Addiction
I am an addict.
I guess I figured this out probably about ten years ago when I moved to Jacksonville to be with Jocelyn. I would sneak out and grab a can of Skoal and do dip while she was at work. At first one can would last me a week. Over time it would be two cans a week, till finally it was 3 cans. I was a casual user through the 90′s, every now and then, but I think driving home from work from Cloud 9, stuck in traffic, I needed something to occupy myself. I would stop off at a Jack in the Box before getting on the I-10, get a huge freaking cup of coke and do some chew on my way home. It was something that I did in my car. Slowly I increased it to while I was on the computer.
I moved to Jax and took the habit with me. It was something that I hid very well, especially once I had my own car, she would not look at the car, so it was always hidden there. I could do it at work because it was one of those things that nobody could see me doing. I would hide it by making it look like I was drinking water from a cup.
When I moved back to San Diego, Jocelyn was not around so I was doing it whenever I wanted. Be it at work, at Sean’s house, or just on small commutes. It was easy to get, I could get it at any gas station practically whenever I needed to get gas. I knew the gas stations that did not carry it, so I subconsciously avoided those stations.
For the last ten years I have ravaged my body with stuff that will in the long run kill me. I lied to myself, I lied to my family, I lied to my friends, I was ashamed of the fact that I was addicted to this little blue can with the word Skoal written across the front of it. It has already weakened my lung’s and given me horrendous breath. I will not stand for it any longer.
I went on Nicoderm CQ Saturday evening, step 1. I tossed my last can out and have been pretty good for almost 24 hours. The last dip I finished with was at 1155pm Saturday, December 12. The patch came on at midnight. It is 1130pm Sunday evening right now and I have not used in almost 24 hours, probably for the first time in years. I cannot sleep, I am anxious, I am bothered by something. I know the patch is working, because the craving is not as strong, but I know that it is there.
I am not sure if the craving is just mental, or physical, I may never really know, but the fact that I can last 24 hours in itself is a good sign. Today i spent a lot of face time with the family, so I could not do it, even if I wanted to. Times like this though, when the house is quiet, the lights are off, and there is nothing going on, I am bothered. Like an unseen force is reaching out and keeping me up, trying to tell me that if I use, everything will be better and I will be able to sleep.
I do not know what tomorrow holds. I know that I will be in my dark office tomorrow around 930am PST and I will be working and the craving will start up again. I hope to satiate those needs by eating sunflower seeds, but I do know from today, that does not help much. It does keep me occupied, but the craving is still there.
My grand parents both died from smoking related diseases. My mother was a heavy smoker till the early 80′s and she quit. I know that addiction is part of my personality traits, but being addicted to video games is one thing compared to being addicted to something that has a strong potential of ending my life prematurely. Even my own daughter telling me that she does not want me to die could not stop me from doing it.
Granted it has only been about 24 hours for me and it is only going to get worse as the week progresses, but I am happy that I did 24 hours without it. I did 24 hours without my best friend, I did 24 hours for the only thing that has been there for me for the last ten years and has not been judgmental towards me. I am loosing my best friend and I know it is the right thing to do.
The patch itself burns after a few minutes, but then subsides. I feel slightly nauseas and it seems to be keeping me awake much more than I would like it to have, thus one of the reasons I switched from putting it on at near midnight today to a more reasonable time of 5pm. Hopefully I make it through the week. If I can make it through the week, I feel that I will have stronger legs to stand on continuing down this journey.
I am an addict, and will be for the remainder of my life, but that does not mean that I have to succumb to my addiction any longer.
