Going out of my mind
When I am at work, I have focus, I have control, I have abilities that I can lean on to solve the issue at hand. The problems exist once I step out of the office and I can’t focus, I cannot think straight, I cannot figure out what it is that I need to do.
When it comes to me it is simple, I see something that needs to happen and I do it. When it comes to interacting with others and having them do what I think is right is where things start to crumble. I see things as how they can work out and I know they will, but others are just to hard headed to think things through and they directly effect me. It is infuriating and instead of solving an issue quickly, the issue drags on. It is almost like killing something, instead of killing the problem slowly, someone decides to do something to prolong the death and make it torturous.
I keep having this sense that she is undermining me. She is already expressed her dislike that I have been going to the gym, she has already spent a good amount of time questioning my motives. I really am looking to do the marathon. I am looking to finish something that came as a thought 13 years ago. My motives have always been out there, like a handful of cards turned upright on a card table for everyone to see. It annoys me when my motives are questioned, when there is nothing to prove that I am being malicious, or anything along those lines. It just happened that 2012 my birthday fell on the exact day of the LA Marathon and then the ball started to roll, getting bigger and bigger and bigger, like a snowball. I feel good about myself, I feel good about what I am doing, for the first time in a long time, I feel alive and willing to do what is needed to achieve one of my life’s goals. At every turn, when I need to do a workout, especially after the last two weeks, I have been shamed that I would prefer to do a workout than spend time with Molly. When that is not the case.
We have a schedule and I want to abide by it, but sometimes if I can alter something, or get Molly at a later time, she should work with me on this. It takes a lot of hard work and dedication to get to the point where someone can actually do the distance and the last two weeks have been a total crap shoot when i can work out. I hate it.
I feel that I am hitting walls at every turn with her and it annoys me.
