What I miss the most
What do I miss the most about our marriage?
I do not miss the arguing, the late nights, the mind games, the constant bickering. Those were obviously the main reasons that we are not together, but I do miss the relationship. I miss the laying in bed and hearing the breathing, I miss the hand on the hip, I miss the random kiss to the top of the head.
Maybe it is the emotion of the holiday, maybe it is the fact that the loneliness has just overcome me, but the last few weeks have been difficult to say the least. I try to keep my mind occupied with other things. I think I have hand written the start of at least 5 different short stories/books that may come to fruition. I have started running/walking in anticipation for the 26.2 mile torture rack known as the LA Marathon on my birthday, so that has worn me out pretty good at nights, but with Molly being off for two weeks and timing being bad I have not had the ability to do that. So I find myself just laying in bed with my eyes open looking at the ceiling wondering if I will ever be in a position to enjoy the little things in life again.
I crave human contact. Not sex, sex is easy to get and it really does not solve the inherent need that I have at the moment. I want to hold someones hand, I want to have someone lay on me to watch television. I yearn for someone to just sit there laying next to me in bed, hearing them breathe, having them roll over and have their arm drape over my chest. I seek the the feeling of being “liked” and respected, I want someone that I do not even have to speak to, rather a subtle glance tells them the story. I want to sit down and just reach across the table and hold their hand and feel comforted. I had this with Jocelyn, but everything else surrounding it just was not functioning and she made the decision to part ways with me. I completely understand why things are the way they are, and I agree with it. But what I miss the most are those little things that mean so much.
I am just so damn lonely. If I were a drinking man I probably would have drank myself into a stupor almost every night this past month.
