I knew that we would be getting our money around the time that Molly’s birthday would happen and just by pure happenstance she had the week before Presidents Day off. I quickly took the time off as well, determined to spend the week at home and hang out with her instead of working from home and just letting the week go to waste. Then I thought about a trip with her. Some place that she had never been too before, a place that she would appreciate. A place that I vaguely remembered, but had an excellent time at when i was a kid. Washington DC was that location.

My parents took Joe and I to the Smithsonian when we were kids and I still remember it, little flashes, nothing concrete, but this was a plan and it started rolling from there. Maybe this is where I got my love of history, I am not sure, but I do know that she will be immersed in it. She has been given a little notepad to carry around with her to put notes in and is required to write 5 things she learned every day while we are gone. This will be accompanied by pictures of the locations with her little blurb. I hope to dear god she gets inspired, this is the age that she needs to understand that she can start to make a difference in her own life. She needs to grab on to something and run with it. I want her to understand that her dreams can be reached with some work. I want her to understand that nothing is standing in her way of accomplishing anything, other than herself.

By understanding how our government works, understanding the amount of time that this country has been around and what this country was built on, maybe that will foster a sense of pride in her that I feel about being an American. Granted, i look at two flags with equal value, the South Korean flag and the United States flag, they are equal in my eyes. My mother is Korean and my father born int he United States. That is my legacy. Molly is from two parents that come from different ethnicities, but she is American through and through. She is what this country is about, if you want to talk about a melting pot, she is the perfect example. She is part Korean, she is part Filipino, she is part Caucasian, she is part Native American, she is part Chinese, there is probably more so in her background that we do not even know. She is the perfect example of multiculturalism today. I hope she takes this mantle and runs with it.

The United States is the mutt of the world. This is the most perfect line from Stripes. Nobody wanted us, hell, they kicked us out in some regards and we found a home. Molly is a mutt and she has to understand what this country is about, what she is about and I hope that this trip instills in her the belief that she can do anything.

I am a proud American, i love the red white and blue, I love the stars and stripes, I love this country and all that it has to offer. Hopefully my daughter will grow to appreciate it as much as I do.

I have had a love affair with Mint Skoal for probably 15 years. It started casually in 1996 at work, just using on my drive home from Cloud 9 Interactive. The 2 hour drive in traffic was horrendous and it gave me something to do while I literally went 10 mph on the freeway. It really kicked into high gear when I was in Jacksonville, I found that I could do it at my desk while working without anyone knowing. Then of course with my troll like status at my current office, nobody interacts with me, so hiding my addiction was very easy to do and also since others in the office were dipping as well, I was not a social pariah.

But I cannot continue this. I think the worst thing is that I don’t dislike it. I am addicted to it, but I am not sure if I am addicted to the act, or if I am addicted to the use of it. It confuses me. This really sucks since I know what it has done to my body, I know that it has ravaged my lungs. My voice has changed, my breath stinks, my body is not what it was and is not in the shape that it could be in.

I need to stop, for myself, for my family, for my life. I want to grow up and see my daughter get married, I want to sit there and bounce a little McGuffin on my knee and tell them stories of their grandfather as a child. I want to grow old and see the future. It is about living clean.

Maybe I will just start drinking.

4th grade for me was Smith Elementary in Baumholder, Germany. My first teacher in Baumholder was an older lady, she reminded me a lot of Mrs. Garret from Facts of Life. Her name was Mrs. Howlett, in all honesty, she is really the first teacher that I remember a lot about. My third grade teacher in Incirlik, Ms. Snyder I vaguely remember, only because I learned Algebra under her and hated it. But Mrs. Howlett really had an affect on me.

I was a horrific student in elementary school. I mean they would hand out report cards based on your grades, if you did well you got your report card handed to you first. Without exception every year I would be getting my report card last. I did not care much about school obviously, but I did learn a lot of things. I absorbed information, i just did not know how to use it, which was my problem.

4th grade was also the year that I met my best friend in Mike Diclementi. We met while playing football down the hill from the school right next to a housing building. We were basically inseparable from that day forward. 4th grade was the year that I joined the Baumholder Bullets PeeWee soccer league. We went undefeated.

I remember our last game, the championship game, against Wetzel. I remember their uniforms, they wore gold tops with black stripes down the arm with blue shorts. We had problems scoring against them because they kept their entire team near the goal. They never moved towards our net, they just sat in front of the goal the entire game. I remember hearing the parents saying, what are they doing?

4th grade is when I walked up the hill by our house to go to school. By myself, a walk of maybe a third of a mile. I would walk up the hill, stop off at a house that had like a push button intercom system. I would always stop there and press the button and run by. I am sure the guy that lived there was a bit pissed off, because I would do it for the next three years.

I cannot believe that my little girl is at the stage that I was at. Who knows what adventures are going to come up. Who knows what life is going to hold for her. Who knows how much of fourth grade she is going to remember when she turns 38. Tomorrow is going to be a big day for her, but remembering the 4th grade for me is all the thanks that I need. I truly will be happy to see the life in her eyes tomorrow as she runs to school to start the 4th grade.

And Mrs. Howlett, where ever you are in this world, just remember that kid that did not pay much attention in class, that kid that did not really do what was told, still remembers you.

Once on the floor we searched out the TokiDoki booth and bought some stuff for Molly and also for Jocelyn. I headed over to the COH booth and got my Ghoul card and then wandered around the rest of the convention floor as time was passing by too quickly. Molly and I left shortly after that.

There are two kinds of people at the Con, people that are there to get stuff, and people like myself who are there for the experience and enjoy the people. I could spend all day long just sitting there taking pictures of people dressed up, or sitting and watching panel after panel. Not spending a single dime on buying anything. I enjoy the convention floor, but could spend all day on the second level with the panels and where the people dressed up hang out. Thursday will be a fun filled day and I will enjoy myself to no end.

Saw Michael Dorn, Marina Sirtis at the star trek booth where they were signing autographs, saw a place card for Brent Spiner, but he was not there. I am sure that I will run across him eventually. Got some solid video that I will eventually post, but right now just tired and the informaiton overload is just way too high.

After reading the article I was #1 shocked that the museum was in my home town even before I moved their in 1990 and never knew it, and #2 was shocked at the amount of stuff it had. Granted, it was not a huge place, but it was really pretty cool seeing the stuff. The Korean room was fairly small, but it was nice to see the statues that I remembered seeing as a child.

Molly and Jocelyn enjoyed the ceramics and a number of other things that showed up in the other rooms. It was nice to get out of the house on a bright wonderful Southern California day.

Then it was drive to the Rose Bowl. It was 11 years since Jocelyn had been there, 11 years since I sat her down and proposed to her. This time, 11 years later, Molly was there and had a chance to run around. It was really nice.

Drove to my grandparents house in Alhambra, especially after I had heard that the new owners have put a second story on the place. It took a little bit to locate the house, but it brought back many memories. The chain link gate to the garage was swapped out with this gaudy wooden fence. But I knew what was behind there. I knew what the yard looked like. I could walk through there with a blindfold and know what it was like.

If I won the lottery, I would definitely go and try and buy that house. It seems wrong that a McGuffin does not live there anymore. I would get rid of the fence and put up another type of gate, like the way it should be. I would make sure the work room in the garage was converted into a small bedroom, like it was when I was a kid.

I miss Los Angeles. I miss the people, I miss the heat, I miss the traffic. I miss being close to my family.

I think I have the alphabet sort of down, I am still having problems with the letter “P” and “R” and sometimes I get stuck on “E” but all in all the alphabet is easy. Fingerspelling from me to someone else is slow, but I can do it. The other way around though I have problems, especially someone doing it to me, that will take some getting use to. If it is a long word.. no dice right now.

It will be a little interesting to see how the class is set up today, especially with no translator. The teacher has been doing it now for 11 years, so I am sure she understands how to do it. It will just be a little awkward the first night. I guess I should go and buy the books tomorrow or Friday. One has a DVD in it, Molly and I will enjoy watching that.

Jocelyn has been a trooper this week, put up with Molly Monday when I started class, then took her to taekwondoe as I was dealing with a computer issue, and now tonight it is just her and Molly again. Tomorrow hopefully I can have the computer issue resolved so that I can go watch Molly get her taekwondoe on.

Ok, class is over. Role took 45 minutes, but I can see what she is doing, a lot of fingerspelling and also basic introductions, today was who’s name is? and Are you ____? Learned yes, no, understand, and nice to meet you. I am sure that things will pick up more as time goes, but it was a nice way to start the class off. We did some mirroring which is important when speaking with others in the deaf community. I also learned that facial expressions determine the “phrase” of the sentence. If you look at someone with eyebrows raised and head slightly pushed forward, it is a question, furled eyebrows is anger. Much more involved, but if you get right down to it, it makes sense that facial expressions play a big role, kind of like tensing.

There is also no complete sentence structure. Instead of Are you Danny? It is more like You Danny? But I am sure that as time goes on, the structure of how things are situated will come up.

I brought in this decade by sitting at home with the little girl watching a really sad Dick Clark bringing in the new year. ABC should put this guy to the pasture, maybe bring him back next year to basically do the countdown, don’t let him talk at all, just let him do the count down. He is a shell of his former self.

I am a little wary of the coming decade. This is going to be the “teenage” years with Molly and if her attitude does not shape up, it is going to be a difficult ten years to say the least.

In 2019 Molly will have spent her first semester in college, i am still pushing for UCLA or UCSD, but we will see how things pan out. In 2019 both dogs if they are around will be 15 years old. In 2019 I will be 47 years old. In 2019, I plan on still being in San Diego, but really, who knows what life will hold and where will be. If you asked me in 1999 where I would be, I would have said Jacksonville, FL, but life threw some curve balls and I ended up back in Southern California.

I want to do certain things over the next decade, I want to be in Time Square for the ball drop, I want to watch the Rose Parade in person, I want to walk the Rose Bowl Parade route again and be on Lake and Colorado Blvd at midnight. I want to finish off a mission that I set out for myself many years ago and to head back to Baumholder and visit Mike’s grave. Nothing I want to do is out of reach, it is just a matter of bearing down and saving the money to do these things.

The energy is there, the will is there, but can I do it, that is the question.

2004 was the start of Discount National Mortgage. I drove down to San Diego early Monday morning and parked in front of the new office building.I stopped off at a VONS and had a small breakfast. Sean showed up and introduced me to the crew. David Lippe, Helena Steffen, and Gregg Smith were the most notable. Shaida Anzari, Scott Gorrie, Jason Struthers, and a few more that I cannot remember off of the top of my head. Most of 2004 was learning what I was capable of. I learned a lot about networking, setting up technology, graphics arts, I learned many many things. Our company name changed from Discount National Mortgage to One Mortgage Network, Inc.

Jocelyn and Molly moved to San Diego April 24th of that year. My mother had a stroke in early November and I was back in Jacksonville for a week, then back in San Diego. The year ended with Jocelyn and Molly and I enjoying our time watching the fireworks from the hill in La Jolla.

2005 was the year that I really blossomed, I learned how to do pay per click marketing and I also learned a software called salesforce.com, it was also the first year that we decided to put our toe into the reverse mortgage world, which was a great idea as it would work out really well for us. I finally found something that I was good at. The company was starting to take off. My folks moved to Los Angeles this year.

2006 was a year that we started to ramp up the reverse mortgage company, people were hired left and right, the two that stand out are Kristen Sieffert and Kimberly Kerrigan. The goal was to go wholesale and the following year we did. Molly started kindergarten at Los Penasquitos. Jocelyn was getting her footing in the technology world, even though she hated it.

I guess I figured this out probably about ten years ago when I moved to Jacksonville to be with Jocelyn. I would sneak out and grab a can of Skoal and do dip while she was at work. At first one can would last me a week. Over time it would be two cans a week, till finally it was 3 cans. I was a casual user through the 90′s, every now and then, but I think driving home from work from Cloud 9, stuck in traffic, I needed something to occupy myself. I would stop off at a Jack in the Box before getting on the I-10, get a huge freaking cup of coke and do some chew on my way home. It was something that I did in my car. Slowly I increased it to while I was on the computer.

I moved to Jax and took the habit with me. It was something that I hid very well, especially once I had my own car, she would not look at the car, so it was always hidden there. I could do it at work because it was one of those things that nobody could see me doing. I would hide it by making it look like I was drinking water from a cup.

When I moved back to San Diego, Jocelyn was not around so I was doing it whenever I wanted. Be it at work, at Sean’s house, or just on small commutes. It was easy to get, I could get it at any gas station practically whenever I needed to get gas. I knew the gas stations that did not carry it, so I subconsciously avoided those stations.

For the last ten years I have ravaged my body with stuff that will in the long run kill me. I lied to myself, I lied to my family, I lied to my friends, I was ashamed of the fact that I was addicted to this little blue can with the word Skoal written across the front of it. It has already weakened my lung’s and given me horrendous breath. I will not stand for it any longer.

I went on Nicoderm CQ Saturday evening, step 1. I tossed my last can out and have been pretty good for almost 24 hours. The last dip I finished with was at 1155pm Saturday, December 12. The patch came on at midnight. It is 1130pm Sunday evening right now and I have not used in almost 24 hours, probably for the first time in years. I cannot sleep, I am anxious, I am bothered by something. I know the patch is working, because the craving is not as strong, but I know that it is there.

I am not sure if the craving is just mental, or physical, I may never really know, but the fact that I can last 24 hours in itself is a good sign. Today i spent a lot of face time with the family, so I could not do it, even if I wanted to. Times like this though, when the house is quiet, the lights are off, and there is nothing going on, I am bothered. Like an unseen force is reaching out and keeping me up, trying to tell me that if I use, everything will be better and I will be able to sleep.

I do not know what tomorrow holds. I know that I will be in my dark office tomorrow around 930am PST and I will be working and the craving will start up again. I hope to satiate those needs by eating sunflower seeds, but I do know from today, that does not help much. It does keep me occupied, but the craving is still there.

My grand parents both died from smoking related diseases. My mother was a heavy smoker till the early 80′s and she quit. I know that addiction is part of my personality traits, but being addicted to video games is one thing compared to being addicted to something that has a strong potential of ending my life prematurely. Even my own daughter telling me that she does not want me to die could not stop me from doing it.

Granted it has only been about 24 hours for me and it is only going to get worse as the week progresses, but I am happy that I did 24 hours without it. I did 24 hours without my best friend, I did 24 hours for the only thing that has been there for me for the last ten years and has not been judgmental towards me. I am loosing my best friend and I know it is the right thing to do.

The patch itself burns after a few minutes, but then subsides. I feel slightly nauseas and it seems to be keeping me awake much more than I would like it to have, thus one of the reasons I switched from putting it on at near midnight today to a more reasonable time of 5pm. Hopefully I make it through the week. If I can make it through the week, I feel that I will have stronger legs to stand on continuing down this journey.

I am an addict, and will be for the remainder of my life, but that does not mean that I have to succumb to my addiction any longer.

2001 was even more of a blur. Molly was 8 days late and ended up being born at 531am Feb 14th/ Around June of that year I found myself without a job again, then 9/11 happened. I remember sitting there watching with amazement. I called my folks in Korea and Joe and Judy in LA. Molly slept most of the time, but I carried her around while watching everything happen. She was totally oblivious obviously, but this was definitely a defining moment in the history of the United States. I finally got a job in October of 2001, with a company called Alliance Mortgage in Jacksonville.That was the first step into an industry that would become prevalent in my life for the remainder of the decade. I met Sean Marsh, who became one of my closest friends for the remainder of this decade. Molly dressed like a cow on her first Halloween.

2002 started out horrendously. We had been married for about a year and a half and our marriage looked to be pretty much over. I sucked it up and managed to get through 2002 still together. My father retired and my mom and dad moved in with us that year. I hated Jacksonville, I hated the people, I hated everything about the place and the people. I spent a full year at Alliance Mortgage without losing my job, the longest I had held a job ever. We were living in the house with my mom, dad, and Molly. We had two dogs, Flash and Princess. Things were ok, but I definitely had to find a way out of that hell hole.

2003 brought out many different emotions. It was a great year with Molly and Jocelyn, it was also a great year with the family as a whole. I still had a great dislike for the south and southern people. My best friend was leaving Alliance and starting up a company in Southern California with his friends. I was hating life, by the end of the year I had gotten fired from Alliance Mortgage, Sean Marsh helped me out and decided to hire me as their web developer in San Diego. The end of the year was fairly dramatic as it was going to be my last Christmas in Jacksonville. On January 2nd, 2004, I would board a plane to Los Angeles, on January 5th, I would report to San Diego and start work with a company called Discount National Mortgage, located off of Fay Avenue in the city of La Jolla.