It is not just that the city seems to have things going on, it is a city filled with smart, cultured people. It reminds me of an image that I have created in my mind of what New York would be like, but on a much smaller scale. The people here can talk about anything, they have knowledge, I understand why things are a buzz here, I understand why 50 cents of every venture capitalist dollar is spent in California, specifically in the bay area. San Francisco is a wonderful city.

The Dreamforce event itself was spectacular, the who conference was just minute by minute action, everything that I could have imagined it to be, it surpassed. This city just has things going on in it every single moment of the day. It is 1215am right now and I can walk out and there are people walking on the street, things are happening, this constant movement is something that really recharges the batteries. It makes you feel like you know what, there may be a whole lot of crap going on in the world that is not good, but when I am in an environment like this, it feels good.

Being surrounded by smart people, being surrounded by people that do things, being surrounded by people with a common goal. I like the fact that people here feel they are better than every one else, I love the fact that people here have a little bit of an edge to them. San Diego is nice, but every one has that small town mentality for the second largest city on the West Coast, Los Angeles, every one seems angst ridden. People in San Francisco look healthy, they do not look like they are a second away from having a heart attack, they look good, they like the metropolitan feel, they like the idea that they walk places, or get on the BART and go places.

Every time I come here, no matter what time of day it is, something is going on. In San Diego, it annoys me that they do not want to take that step to become that big city, they refuse to get out of the concept that they are not a sleepy little town, they are in fact a major player, they need to start acting like it. They have that mentality that they are basically a suburb of Los Angeles.

Top three cities get a little changed up for me now, it use to be Seattle, Chicago, San Francisco… Now it is San Francisco, Chicago, Seattle. I need a place where stuff is happening, it makes you feel alive. Right now, I feel alive and it feels great.

I do not know Dan Gilbert personally, I have met him a grand total of one time while he was out here in San Diego a year or so ago. He talked to me directly, seemed like a really nice guy. He had a charisma about him that I would assume billionaires would have. After his “letter” yesterday after Lebron decided to trash the city of Cleveland in a prime time hour long train wreck. I have gained much more respect for the man. I am proud to work for someone that has the fire and the passion that he exhibited in the “letter.” I am use to the comic sans emails that he sends out every now and then to the family of companies, he is a solid motivational writer and I must admit, I have drank the Kool Aid. I am fired up by it. It almost makes me want to shed the Clipper fan moniker and jump over to be a Cavs fan.

What was Lebron thinking? Actually, what was anyone thinking in regards to this live one hour special? ESPN loved it, they were not going to get much bad press (even though they basically mortgaged their credibility) over it. This was all going to be on Lebron and his marketing group. How can one of the most likable guys in the NBA fall so flat on his face. He fell so hard that his face went through the ground and he buried himself. This had nothing but bad written all over it.

I can understand him leaving Cleveland. I totally can understand it. He is 25, all he really knows about living is in the Cleveland area. He wanted to spread his wings a little bit, live in a new environment, taste what was out there. That is totally understandable. I did it when i was 21, I moved from Los Angeles and went to San Diego, away from the thumb of my family. All I can say, it was the worst decision of my life, it probably set me back a number of years, cost me finishing off my education, just for the perks of partying hard and learning that people are really out for themselves.

Will that happen to Lebron? Probably not, but I do think in retrospect, in about 10-12 years after he has left the NBA he will look back and say that it was probably not a good choice. He has basically villified himself to the people that adored him. His relationship to his home town will never be the same. He is going to be seen as the straw that broke the camels back. He was Cleveland. He made the people of Cleveland believe in something. He gave that region something to hold on to. Now they are not back to where they use to be, but they are far worse off.

It is not that he left Cleveland, it is how he left Cleveland. He basically created a 60 minute infomercial where if Cleveland were a woman, that stayed by his side through thick and thin, may not have been the prettiest, but she would look past your faults and be there whenever you needed her, dragged out in front of the nation, if not the world and was basically told, you are not good enough for me and got replaced by some hot big titted woman wearing a tube dress that could probably be on the cover of any magazine cover. It was just so public, it was just so damning. It was the worst possible way to do that, especially to the people that had followed him for so long, to people that adored him to no end. It was just downright disrespectful.

If Lebron just held a press conference in Miami and said that he signed with the Heat and left it at that. The backlash that he is getting right now would not be so horrific. It would be understandable, it would be something people could swallow. It would have been painful, but not as horrific as what he actually did.

I live in San Diego, the Chargers had a player that was beloved, #55, an Oceanside product that went up to USC to play college football, drafted by the Chargers in 1990. Junior Seau, one of the best linebackers in history. He stayed in San Diego, he probably could have gone off and got more money going somewhere else, but he stayed true to his city, to his fans. He lives here today, even though he did not end his career as a Charger. The difference between him and Lebron. The Chargers traded him away. It stung, it really hurt losing him, but it was a decision by management and he went on to play in the super bowl with the Patriots. He is still loved and endeared in the community. Lebron will NEVER be loved in the great lakes region ever again.

Lebron will win titles, I am almost positive of it. But his name will never be mentioned along the greats. He is never going to be thought of as being able to play in the same stratosphere as Kobe Bryant, Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, Michael Jordan. He has in affect signed away his legacy to be the Scotty Pippen to Dwayne Wades Michael Jordan. He is Pau Gasol to Kobe Bryant. He will not be the billionaire that he has wanted to become. He has proven that he can’t do it on his own. He needs someone that can carry him over the top. Sadly the people that will carry him over the top are just better than he is.

He has in essence become Dwayne Wade’s Robin. He will most likely not get any Finals MVP’s, he will most likely not get any regular season MVP’s. Dwayne Wade is the leader of that team and if he really thinks that Dwayne Wade is going to step aside to appease a meglomaniac, I seriously think Lebron has another thing coming.

He went to Miami to play with the dream team. The only problem is that they are not going to be beating up on Angola every few days. When one of them start to see their numbers dropping, that will eventually create tension between the big three. It may be all good for a season or two, but by the third year, when they are starting to look at a possible contract again in two years, you will see some serious issues with those three.

Bye bye Lebron, I really hope you grow up and start being what you were meant to be, a damn good basketball player, but I am not sure that will ever happen with the decision that you made.

I brought in this decade by sitting at home with the little girl watching a really sad Dick Clark bringing in the new year. ABC should put this guy to the pasture, maybe bring him back next year to basically do the countdown, don’t let him talk at all, just let him do the count down. He is a shell of his former self.

I am a little wary of the coming decade. This is going to be the “teenage” years with Molly and if her attitude does not shape up, it is going to be a difficult ten years to say the least.

In 2019 Molly will have spent her first semester in college, i am still pushing for UCLA or UCSD, but we will see how things pan out. In 2019 both dogs if they are around will be 15 years old. In 2019 I will be 47 years old. In 2019, I plan on still being in San Diego, but really, who knows what life will hold and where will be. If you asked me in 1999 where I would be, I would have said Jacksonville, FL, but life threw some curve balls and I ended up back in Southern California.

I want to do certain things over the next decade, I want to be in Time Square for the ball drop, I want to watch the Rose Parade in person, I want to walk the Rose Bowl Parade route again and be on Lake and Colorado Blvd at midnight. I want to finish off a mission that I set out for myself many years ago and to head back to Baumholder and visit Mike’s grave. Nothing I want to do is out of reach, it is just a matter of bearing down and saving the money to do these things.

The energy is there, the will is there, but can I do it, that is the question.

I guess I figured this out probably about ten years ago when I moved to Jacksonville to be with Jocelyn. I would sneak out and grab a can of Skoal and do dip while she was at work. At first one can would last me a week. Over time it would be two cans a week, till finally it was 3 cans. I was a casual user through the 90′s, every now and then, but I think driving home from work from Cloud 9, stuck in traffic, I needed something to occupy myself. I would stop off at a Jack in the Box before getting on the I-10, get a huge freaking cup of coke and do some chew on my way home. It was something that I did in my car. Slowly I increased it to while I was on the computer.

I moved to Jax and took the habit with me. It was something that I hid very well, especially once I had my own car, she would not look at the car, so it was always hidden there. I could do it at work because it was one of those things that nobody could see me doing. I would hide it by making it look like I was drinking water from a cup.

When I moved back to San Diego, Jocelyn was not around so I was doing it whenever I wanted. Be it at work, at Sean’s house, or just on small commutes. It was easy to get, I could get it at any gas station practically whenever I needed to get gas. I knew the gas stations that did not carry it, so I subconsciously avoided those stations.

For the last ten years I have ravaged my body with stuff that will in the long run kill me. I lied to myself, I lied to my family, I lied to my friends, I was ashamed of the fact that I was addicted to this little blue can with the word Skoal written across the front of it. It has already weakened my lung’s and given me horrendous breath. I will not stand for it any longer.

I went on Nicoderm CQ Saturday evening, step 1. I tossed my last can out and have been pretty good for almost 24 hours. The last dip I finished with was at 1155pm Saturday, December 12. The patch came on at midnight. It is 1130pm Sunday evening right now and I have not used in almost 24 hours, probably for the first time in years. I cannot sleep, I am anxious, I am bothered by something. I know the patch is working, because the craving is not as strong, but I know that it is there.

I am not sure if the craving is just mental, or physical, I may never really know, but the fact that I can last 24 hours in itself is a good sign. Today i spent a lot of face time with the family, so I could not do it, even if I wanted to. Times like this though, when the house is quiet, the lights are off, and there is nothing going on, I am bothered. Like an unseen force is reaching out and keeping me up, trying to tell me that if I use, everything will be better and I will be able to sleep.

I do not know what tomorrow holds. I know that I will be in my dark office tomorrow around 930am PST and I will be working and the craving will start up again. I hope to satiate those needs by eating sunflower seeds, but I do know from today, that does not help much. It does keep me occupied, but the craving is still there.

My grand parents both died from smoking related diseases. My mother was a heavy smoker till the early 80′s and she quit. I know that addiction is part of my personality traits, but being addicted to video games is one thing compared to being addicted to something that has a strong potential of ending my life prematurely. Even my own daughter telling me that she does not want me to die could not stop me from doing it.

Granted it has only been about 24 hours for me and it is only going to get worse as the week progresses, but I am happy that I did 24 hours without it. I did 24 hours without my best friend, I did 24 hours for the only thing that has been there for me for the last ten years and has not been judgmental towards me. I am loosing my best friend and I know it is the right thing to do.

The patch itself burns after a few minutes, but then subsides. I feel slightly nauseas and it seems to be keeping me awake much more than I would like it to have, thus one of the reasons I switched from putting it on at near midnight today to a more reasonable time of 5pm. Hopefully I make it through the week. If I can make it through the week, I feel that I will have stronger legs to stand on continuing down this journey.

I am an addict, and will be for the remainder of my life, but that does not mean that I have to succumb to my addiction any longer.

2001 was even more of a blur. Molly was 8 days late and ended up being born at 531am Feb 14th/ Around June of that year I found myself without a job again, then 9/11 happened. I remember sitting there watching with amazement. I called my folks in Korea and Joe and Judy in LA. Molly slept most of the time, but I carried her around while watching everything happen. She was totally oblivious obviously, but this was definitely a defining moment in the history of the United States. I finally got a job in October of 2001, with a company called Alliance Mortgage in Jacksonville.That was the first step into an industry that would become prevalent in my life for the remainder of the decade. I met Sean Marsh, who became one of my closest friends for the remainder of this decade. Molly dressed like a cow on her first Halloween.

2002 started out horrendously. We had been married for about a year and a half and our marriage looked to be pretty much over. I sucked it up and managed to get through 2002 still together. My father retired and my mom and dad moved in with us that year. I hated Jacksonville, I hated the people, I hated everything about the place and the people. I spent a full year at Alliance Mortgage without losing my job, the longest I had held a job ever. We were living in the house with my mom, dad, and Molly. We had two dogs, Flash and Princess. Things were ok, but I definitely had to find a way out of that hell hole.

2003 brought out many different emotions. It was a great year with Molly and Jocelyn, it was also a great year with the family as a whole. I still had a great dislike for the south and southern people. My best friend was leaving Alliance and starting up a company in Southern California with his friends. I was hating life, by the end of the year I had gotten fired from Alliance Mortgage, Sean Marsh helped me out and decided to hire me as their web developer in San Diego. The end of the year was fairly dramatic as it was going to be my last Christmas in Jacksonville. On January 2nd, 2004, I would board a plane to Los Angeles, on January 5th, I would report to San Diego and start work with a company called Discount National Mortgage, located off of Fay Avenue in the city of La Jolla.

Dinner was good, laughing at Joe was always fun, laughing at the old man was equally as fun. All in all it was a good time had by all and now the turkey has taken control and we need to sleep.

So it is halloween and the night has finally ended, it has been one of those days to say the least. I am starting to appreciate having friends that have children as that is something that I did not have. One of Molly’s friends back in school was a little half korean girl and we found out that their family lives nearby and we have been leaning on them as they are really good people. If you need any photographs done, or video done, I would highly recommend Brett Christlieb, not only is he on top of his game, but his work is really awesome.

We went to his churches Fall Festival tonight, it was really nice to see Molly running around with their children playing games and the like. We then headed out to our normal haunts with them and di some trick or treating a little later than normal, so most of the places that were open for candy delivery were shut down, but they still got a good amount of candy.

Having good friends and family is always the way to go. I have to learn to become a little more interactive, it takes some time for me to actually understand the subtle manner to act around people as opposed to my work environment, I find myself to be a little stand offish when it comes to people and it annoys me. I want Molly to grow up to be more like me, but then again as one of my closest friends has said, I also do not want her to grow up like me in some manners. One of those manners is the way that I am around people. I am good in a work environment, but in a social environment, it is difficult for me to interact with people and I tend to curl up into a ball and come off as stand offish. Hopefully Molly can get past that as she gets older.

Molly dressed up like Alice from Alice in the Wonderland this year. Let me see if I can remember all of the costumes now, this has always been a fun endeavor.

10/31/2001 – Cow (Jacksonville)
10/31/2002 – Fairy (Jacksonville)
10/31/2003 – Princess (Jacksonville)
10/31/2004 – Tinkerbell (San Diego)
10/31/2005 – ????? (Los Angeles)
10/31/2006 – Wondergirl (San Diego)
10/31/2007 – Pirate (San Diego)
10/31/2008 – Goth Vampire (San Diego)
10/31/2009 – Alice in the Wonderland (San Diego)

I may have gotten some of the costumes mixed up by year, but there was one year that I cannot remember. She may have dressed up as Princess Amadala one year, but I am not sure if that was just for Comiccon or not.

All in all today has been a good day, as usual, I got to spend time with her and I got to spend time with other people, it was magical to see Molly having fun with her friends though, that is what I most happy about.